The many ways we bid for connection, and the best ways to respond to those bids.
Bidding to connect is you working on your marriage.
One thing I say in my sessions regularly is that working on your marriage should be fun. Luckily for you, we are at the fun part. Bidding to connect is where much of the fun work comes from. By bidding, you are putting yourself out there in an attempt to feel connected to your partner. Making that choice to push past any discomfort to make that bid, is you actively working on your marriage. You stayed in it vs just not bidding because of what that bid might bring your way.
You choose to work on the marriage when you bid or when you turn towards a bid, even when you are tired after a long day of work. You choose to work on your marriage through bids and turning towards, even when your partner has been showing up kinda jerky lately. You can also respond to a bid, by asking for time before turning towards, just that action, is turning towards. You are saying, I want to do this thing with you, and I am also wanting to finish this other thing. Just acknowledging that you heard your partner and then the plan of connecting at a later time is all that is needed. For some reason though, we do not even give that. We have made the little easy things, hard. Which means the hard things feel overwhelming and possibly futile or untenable? Bidding to connect should be an easy feat in a relationship as should turning towards those bids, however we are so distracted that we forgot to bid, or think we did, or we are so distracted that we missed a bid and mindlessly turned away. This is how a pattern begins, you allow fear of rejection to overtake you and then bids become less frequent and consistent between you and your partner.
Bidding multiple times a day, everyday, is you working on your marriage.
Responding positively to these bids, is you working on your marriage.
Reminder: Everything we do to attempt to connect with our partner is a bid. Let's be sure that your bid is clear and asked in a loving, kind manner.
How to respond to bids.
How much more could you bid if you stopped moving so fast? Better still, how many bids could you be better responding to, if you slowed down and were more present in your life and in your marriage. The answer to both of these questions is, A LOT.
The goal is to turn towards a bid for connection that your partner puts out there. Which is simply acknowledging your partner’s bid in a positive manner and handling the connection with care and love even if the connection needs to happen later.
Mindlessly turning away (neutral interactions) are very prevalent in roommate syndrome couples. The distractions we have in our lives are too many, and our priorities and life feel in disarray. The more mindless we are, the less bidding attempts we make, and opportunities for connection are lost.
There is a difference between stopping everything you are doing to respond, which leaves you feeling like you don't have say over your time, and acknowledging that you see and hear your partner by looking up and verbally acknowledging them, and then letting them know you will be with them in just a moment ( and then be only a moment, if it is going to be 10 mins, then say that).
Bids for affection are most often turned against. Under the guise of, I have too much else to do. I am not arguing that there is a lot to do, but responding by being offended and annoyed that your partner is bidding for affection, is not helping and with the potential for future bids from your partner. We can still turn towards and turn down the advances. We can stay connected without going down to sexy town.
Mindless turning away and technology
You spend too much time on your phone/tv/iPad/device of some sort. Put it away.
That is the lesson.
Remove distractions and create time
About a decade ago, I came up with this slogan for my friends and my marriage, and I called it, Disconnect to Reconnect. I had big plans to use this in my marketing and in helping my couples recognize how disconnected they were from one another, from their children and from their lives in general. So detached that they do not know what they are feeling when they are feeling it. Instead it is, I feel an uncomfortable feeling, so I will go and distract myself. That can be through technological devices (video games, smart phones, tablets, etc) or through substances, mainly legal substances (cuz adults drink wine, Beth, and it is legal, so...), food or through either unhealthy sex practices, or watching pornography. For example, you might be thinking you would like to connect with your partner physically, however she has not been responsive to those bids the last few times, then an uncomfortable feeling arises and you do not know/understand the origin nor do you have the vocabulary for it. Instead of saying, “I'm feeling uncomfortable as I think of asking to connect with you and that is leading me to believe that I should not even reach out to you," you might turn around, leave the room, and go watch porn. Porn does not reject you or judge you or push you away, it is easier and it distracts you from the real issue, which is emotional and physical loneliness. Some of these distraction we are actively seeking out, while others are so ingrained into our lives that we do not realize the impact they are having on our relationships and the quality of connection we are missing out on.
So there are two things at play here. One is seeking out a distraction when you are feeling uncomfortable with either your partners negative (raw, vulnerable feelings) or when you are feeling a certain way and do not know what it is or the where it originates from. The other is building our lives with so many elements of distraction, that we are oblivious to the lack of connections we are having with our partner. It is why we have so much yet feel so empty at times. So two things need to be worked on.
Awareness and removal of distractions. Look around at all the distractions you have in your life. This can include activities you sign your children or your family up for. How many devices does each member of the family have? How much time do you spend on work? We sometimes throw ourselves into work and hide, and we use it as a distraction. Are you getting involved in the drama of other people in your life, which is a great way to avoid your own issues. Next, think of how to remove them from your life or at least remove some of them and better moderate the others.
Learn what you are avoiding with these distractions. See where you might run towards a distraction vs going to your partner to talk about the feeling you are having, whether that feeling has to do with them or someone/thing else. Identify when you stopped going to your partner and started going towards the distraction. Finally, how much time do you spend on these distractions? How much time could you put back into your relationship with your partner by removing some of all of these distractions. Remember just 10 mins a day can make a big impact on how satisfied we feel in the relationship.
Less bidding begets less bidding
The cycle looks something like this.
A bid for connection receives a mindless turning away. A bid for connection, but now with less clarity receives mindless turning away again. A bid for connection, but full of criticism, receives turning against. Then less frequent bids occur, which means less overall opportunities for intentional connection. All of that leads to roommate syndrome.
The actual act of connection, starts with the bid, but the response is just as important to keep the cycle healthy and keep the marriage connected. (As you learned in previous chapters, connection really begins before the bid.)
Without bids we do not connect. I have always felt that bidding to connect and turning towards is one of the most important parts of maintaining positive connection in a marriage. While I still believe it is important I also see that bidding actually happens at all levels of the SRH and in all phases of a relationship.
Energy, effort and intention. Yep, those words again.
You can probably guess that couples who report being in roommate syndrome bids far less often than couples who do not feel like they are roommates. The bids often become criticisms because it is the only way we feel like we can get a response. The response is not a good response, but it is something, which is better then being ignored through the mindless turning away that has been happening.
Bids have become asks. Asking someone to do something, ie., taking out the trash, and in my house, that usually happens right as my husband sits down. Sometimes I view his love for me through the lens of what he does around the house or if he does what I ask him to do, right as I ask him to do it. Problem is, the bids don't result in a positive turning towards. Instead the interaction is deemed negative and we feel less able to actually be vulnerable the more this is the experience for us. So then we attach meaning to the doing or not doing and also in the quickness of the doing. We may feel like our partner loves and cares for us if they do the thing, and if they don't, they don't. Here is the issue, when your partner does the thing you asked and does it right away, you might feel happy for a minute, but because it really does not create more connection, you then look for more "things" for your partner to do. Kinda like drugs, need more and more, but it is never enough. Because you are chasing the wrong thing. So our intention is off. We want emotional closeness and connectedness but we ask for the trash to go out.
Couples need to bid for connection with more frequency and clarity, not just bid for a task to be done. What does connection mean to you? What activities do you do, that feel connecting i.e., conversations, cuddle time, sex, working out, watching the sunset? Think of ways that you attempt to connect with your partner and check in and see if those things are actually connecting for your partner, or does your attempt at connection feel more task oriented? Bidding requires more effort and energy. We must bid even when tired. We must respond to the bid, even when we are tired.
