The 6 steps necessary in becoming a varsity level love mapper.
The 6 steps Necessary in Becoming a Varsity Level Love Mapper.
Beth Wylie, MA, LMFT
Step1: Ask questions.
When we first started dating we spent most of our time together love mapping and affectionately and positively showing our love to one another. All we did was love map aka asked one another questions. According to Dr. John Gottman, love maps are the first level of the Sound Relationship House and fundamental in building friendship, intimacy and vulnerability. We wanted to hear all the stories and we wanted to know about all the family members and what growing up was like. We cared about the stresses of the other and we checked in more frequently if we were not sure. Then one day that stops. We feel like we know all the stories and we know all the answers to all the questions so whats the point of asking. We begin to make assumptions with this past information and we usually get it wrong.
Instead of assumptions, you need to remain curious, keep asking questions, and work to eliminate assumptions from your communication pattern. Plus asking questions adds valuable deposits into your emotional bank account.
If you do not know, it is always best to ask.
When our partner asks us a question, we feel important and like our partner wants to know about us and our world. It is the initial investment we make into the relationship. We take the time to get to know one another, to learn all the stories and favorite movies, travel destinations and food choices. Our life continues to expand and grow and shift and transition so we must remain curious in our relationships. Work to unlearn the fear that a change in our partner, is a threat to the relationship, instead you can take it as an opportunity to expand your knowledge of your partner. This in turn builds trust between you and your partner so that you each can show up in your fulness of self.
* Sidebar - Please understand that when I say ask questions, I am talking about emotional and open ended questions, not, “Do you know where my shorts are?”
Step 2: Answer those questions.
There is nothing like asking a question and hearing crickets on the other end. In a world full of distractions we so often try to do more than one thing at a time. The problem with that, is we then miss the bids and questions that come from our partner. The first step in creating more positive connections is being willing to spend more quality time together. One way is to carve out time to ask and answer love map questions. This build a practice of how to ask open ended questions and how asking questions bring more clarity and less destructive conflict to issues of the relationship. Asking and answering questions shows you are invested in the relationship.
If a question is a topic that you do not want to talk about, then you can ask if you can put that conversation off for a bit. When you ignore your partner by not answering a question they ask, you are giving the message that you are not interested in what your partner has to say. So assumptions get made and those get solidified into fact and then we respond and react based upon those “facts". Which is almost always wrong and we create more disconnection because we failed to ask a question.
Moral of the story: Be mindful of questions and answer them as they come in.
Step 3: Be and stay attuned.
When you are attuned you are making genuine efforts to understand your partners emotions. This does not involve attempts to change your partner or assess for your partner's accuracy in a situation or conflict. Rather, it is more like turning toward your partner with a curious and open heart.
When you approach conflictual situations with an open and curious heart vs a scared and walled off heart you are more open to hearing and validating another's perspective. When you genuinely understand your partners emotions you can have more compassion and empathy and likely be willing to compromise on a perpetual issue.
Attunement is extremely important in relationships, particularly when we talk about bids. Being aware and present in the moment, as well as, knowing your partner through love mapping will create an environment where each partner works to not trigger the other. I am going to be real honest and let you know that you will in fact trigger you partner at some point, probably sooner than later AND you can repair much quicker if you are aware of your own behavior and work to repair the interaction potentially though calling a time out.
Attunement is also important so that you can either cut the other some slack when they don't do all of their share that evening or if someone is short in tone with the other. Being aware of the another’s world and how they deal with external stress can help you not personalize your partners mood and instead create space for those feelings.
Of course, you can be your most attuned self if you have worked on the other tools of questions, clarity and consistent love mapping.
Step 4: Seek understanding by getting clarity.
I cannot stress enough the importance of getting clarity, especially with your partner. On the flip side, you need to practice patience if your partner seeks clarity from you. We do not want our partner to make assumptions about our feelings or intentions, so we cannot expect them to read our mind.
So often in relationships we make assumptions. We then solidify that assumption into fact. Then we respond and react based on that "fact" and our partner is typically left confused to our response and reaction. Conflict becomes process oriented (how you fight vs what you are fighting over) and then you get flooded and conflict escalates and then ends however your conflicts typically end. This is not fun, this is draining, this is lazy communication. Getting clarity takes energy and effort and we show our intention of trying to understand vs react/respond. When we seek to understand through clarifying questions, we are creating a positive interaction, even if scary and full of vulnerability, even when in conflict.
Taking the time to get clarity can save you a whole day of conflict, silent treatments and tension. When we front load our questions with positive assumption/intent and/or checking with our partner to see if the story we are telling ourselves is the story that is currently happening. Spoiler alert, it almost always is not the same. One is from the past and full of assumptions, past hurts and resentments and the other is likely a non critical statement about the yard needing to be mowed. So when I say you save time, I really mean it. SO many couples tell me that the whole weekend was "ruined" by a conflict that could have been avoided had someone stopped and gotten clarity. Sometimes a whole week can be thrown off due to that conflict. So yeah, take the extra few minutes to think about what you want to say and front load the heck out of a clarifying question.
When we minimize the amount of assumptions taking place in a relationship, we maximize elements of trust and vulnerability. We show that we are seeking to understand not just to respond and react.
Step 5: Learn to get the color.
I have given the homework assignment of doing the Gottman Love map card deck for the last 10 years. I give very clear instructions which include only using 1 or 2 of the cards, tops. Yet, time and again my couples return and say they did the exercise. Neither seem stoked on having done it and sometimes conflict can even arise from them doing it. First issue is competition. One partner usually knows the other partner better than their partner knows them and that makes the other mad (well hurt and sad but they are reacting in anger). Second issue is that they say, yeah Beth, we knew all of these. We didn't really learn anything new.
So what part of the instructions did they miss you might be asking yourself. Well, the biggest part. I recommend that they do 1 to 2 cards but that they spend 20-30 mins on each one of them, Which means, I need them to ask more questions. The juicy goodness is not in the what. It is in the how, the why, the where, the who, the what else. It is the color behind the answer that holds all the secrets and hidden dreams and connections we have to people, places and things.
The secret juicy goodness can help us be better gift givers (and by better I mean more thoughtful), better lovers, kinder around certain issues, better friends and just better partners. The color adds the depth to our understanding of our partners inner world. Love mapping through bidding can create the relationship where asking questions is natural, getting clarity is just what is done and conflict is a part of getting to know one another and our triggers.
Imagine that, swoon.
Step 6: Update those love maps, and do so often.
Love mapping is not just something that should be done at the start of the relationship. Couples can continue love mapping throughout their relationship. We go through life experiences and transitions which lead to growth and change, and what we thought we wanted has also changed. Change brings about discomfort, so we often do not ask love mapping questions because we do not want to acknowledge the change. Acknowledging the change means tough conversations need to happen. If a couple had a "plan" for how their were going to live their life and then one person decides they want to quit their job and do something that brings in less money, well that creates fear in the other and instead of asking questions and gaining clarity and seeking to better understand and then figure out how to compromise and be supportive, they tell their partner no, and then they get upset that the other changed the plan. Now, of course the partner who dropped the desired change on the other could have potentially brought it up differently (guessing here) and it also highlights that if love mapping was occurring on a regular basis, this issue would have come up and conversations would be happening already, and the change would not feel like a big shocking surprise. Trusting one another and the relationship will help create comfort in changes.
Love mapping is a great way to bid for connection. Asking questions about your partner and how they are feeling is bidding for conversation and emotional intimacy. Asking love mapping questions is how we started to build our romantic relationship, and according to Gottman, we need to continue to do this, so that we only deepen our level of understanding of one another. So many couples talk about not having much depth to their relationship anymore, these couples say they feel like roommates. Love mapping is likely missing because, well, you already know each other. We use old information to make decisions or assumptions about how our partner thinks and feels and what they want. When we love map consistently we are using current information to make these decisions and we have better data to how our parter feels about something.
