Why couples need to ritualize time to give and receive appreciations and ways to do so.
I would say that one of the biggest complaints I hear from people is that they do not feel appreciated. It does not matter the role in the family they are in, they feel a big lack of appreciation coming from their partner. It often goes beyond not just feeling appreciated but instead feeling criticized. I have even had people lower their standards to the point of saying, I don't even really need the appreciation, but, I would like to stop being criticized.
Our brains are wired to the negative, so we tend to focus on what did not get done vs what did. We may notice the thing got done, but we do not make mention of it. We struggle to point out the good , but have little problem pointing out what is not good. I don't even mean in the healthy bringing up conflict kind of way. I mean, "Oh I see you did not do the dishes today" kind of way.
When we scan for and notice the positive things happening in our relationship or in our partner then we notice them even more. When we are appreciative, we encourage more of that behavior from our partner. Yes, that is called classical conditioning, aka Pavlov's dog. If you took a Psychology class in your lifetime, you likely have heard of this theory. While we like to think we are far superior than dogs, being rewarded for our behavior increases that behavior in us super smart humans as well.
Saying, Thank you for cooking or for doing the dishes is great, I encourage you to do that more. There are other appreciations we can give as well. Here is an example (it is pretty varsity level, but wanted you to see where you can go). “Thank you for working so hard for our family. I know there are benefits for getting to be out of the house all day, AND, I also know you miss us and wish you could spend more time with us. I am so grateful that I can spend time with our child and not be stressed about going into debt. The support you have given me during this transition has been so incredible and has made me feel like whatever decision I make, you have my back. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate all that you do for us.”
I have heard some clients say that they have never heard their partner call them a good parent. Some of us are very wrapped up in the identity of parent (different issue) so when we are not being acknowledged and celebrated for that role, it is painful and can leave a person feeling like they are not good at their one job. Again, we may think it, but we do not say it. Parenting is so incredibly hard and we question ourselves a lot. Feeling like our partner sees the effort we are putting in there can be very connecting. When we believe our partner thinks we are a good parent or partner, we feel safer coming to them looking for support or advice and less likely to take comments personally or as a slight against your parenting or partnering.
Simple appreciations are great, but they could be said to anyone at anytime. When we get specific in our appreciations we are not just saying a generic thank you, we are saying, I saw exactly what you did there and also, knowing you, I know this was hard and so, I appreciate that even more. The why behind the thank you or appreciation helps your partner know why doing that made you feel good, loved, safe, etc, which helps you be more mindful in doing more of that behavior in the future. A great way to begin to make this a habit, is to start making a ritual around sharing appreciations. This can be done at the beginning of a logistical/state of the union meeting, before you go to bed each night, at the start of dinner, during a family meeting, or you decide. Once you get comfortable giving and receiving appreciations during these moments, you will start noticing and giving them right in the moment.
