The reason affection gets shut down so quickly and ways to create more intentional “affection for the sake of affection” moments.
Affection through physical touch is what we often understand affection to look like. As children, physical touch soothed us when we were scared, hurt, sad or in pain. Physical touch from infant to nursing mother, relaxes the muscles and oxytocin is released making the flow of milk move easier from infant to mother. Moms often report having their physical touch needs met through their young children, or they feel “touched out” and have nothing left for their partner. Affection is often stronger and more freely given to one another in the early stages of a relationship. Since we are creatures of habit the less we touch, the less we touch. Then after some time of not touching, touch feels awkward and making that leap, feels like jumping across the Grand Canyon, and that is just too scary so you just wait for them to reach out first, and since they are doing the same, it never happens.
Some of us say we do not need affection in the physical form. I would invite you to ask yourself if it is that you do not need it, or, that it makes you feel uncomfortable. There is a difference, and it can be helpful talking through that distinction, and the feelings around that distinction with your partner. Just as oxytocin (the good feeling hormone) is released during nursing, it is also released when we hug or touch someone we care about. It is a bonding hormone, so it naturally makes sense that the more we are affectionate through touch, the more bonded we will be. The more bonded, the more committed we tend to be and the more positive in general we are towards one another.
Affection often leads to sex. Which means time out of the day, so women often shut down a hug quicker than my kids running when I say “ice cream”. I call it the Mom Shoulder, it is where one member of the couple comes in for a hug and the other shuts it down before it even happens. A whole storyline had gone through that person’s head and without communicating with words, turns away from the bid without clarifying why or just giving the hug. So even the small sweet affections are not happening, and because they are not happening, we fall into the self fulfilling negative feedback loop. We shut things down because we assume that our partner wants more, so when you actually let a hug or kiss happen, your partner gets excited for the fact that something is happening and it gets pushed further, proving the others complaint, that affection always leads to sex. As a young girl, I remember boys saying things, “don’t give him blue balls”, or “if you are gonna start the job, you need to finish it” (I wonder why women self blame for rape...”well, I started it and was afraid to shut it down and/or when I tried to stop, the pressure continued”). SO, this is sometimes what some of us have playing in the background. Some of us, do not trust that a hug is a hug, an ass grab is just an ass grab and a passionate kiss is just that. One way to build trust here, is to be the one that backs off first (if you are the one who tends to push the limits). Have that passionate kiss, but then back away. If you keep at it, it tells your partner that the boundary of a kiss being a kiss, is being walked over and the result will be less affection.
Now that we have addressed some blocks let's talk about positive affections in healthy relationships.
Like all aspects of your relationship. You get to decide how you want this to look. You get to ask for what you need or what you would like, and your partner gets to decide if that works for them, or if more conversations and compromises need to happen. Since the 2nd level of Dr. Gottman’s Sound Relationship House, is in my opinion, the dating level, I would love for you to get back to those dating levels of affection. Create rituals around affection. That could look like, 6 second kisses at least once a day, hugs when you leave or come back together. Holding hands during watching shows or as you fall asleep, spooning in the morning. Sweet touches throughout the day, that your children (if you have them) are witnessing. One of the pioneers of Family Therapy, Virginia Satir, recommended that we all have 10 hugs a day, so give them freely especially to your person.
If you are in a place where giving affection does not feel like something you want to do because of resentment you are having or by experiencing negative conflict, then I highly encourage you to seek out therapy for your relationship. You might be in what Dr. Gottman refers to as Negative Sentiment Override, which means you and your relationship, are highly attuned to and sensitive to the negativity, and because of this, you are not able to add enough positive deposits into your collective emotional bank account. You relationship needs to get into positive sentiment and one way to do so is by increasing your daily affections, small and simple is a great place to start.
I am writing this with the assumption that if trauma has occurred in either of your lives, that you are currently working on this in a therapy setting, or you have worked on this in a therapy setting. I say this to acknowledge that these suggestions/exercises do not work for everybody, especially those who have experience abuse.
