Tone of voice; the ultimate non verbal way contempt creeps into a marriage.

“It is not what she says, it is how she says it”. I hear that statement a lot in my sessions, so much so, that I think I should do a dissertation on the negative effects of tone on a relationship. Tone of voice is so powerful. It can take a couple to its knees with one sentence,  and bring on a conflict that can take over the night. 

How often do you really listen to the tone in your own voice? How often do you actually listen and then own the tone and make an adjustment? My guess is, not often, especially when it comes to your partner. Our tone usually holds some story, whether it has anything to your partner or not is something you need to start recognizing. Sometimes my husband will say my name 4 times because I am not answering him as I am distracted, when I finally answer on the 5th time, I have an annoyed tone. He is confused as to why I am annoyed, but the story my tone is carrying is one where I heard him say my name, and in my head I answered and asked for a minute but in real time, I am not, and I also think that he should realize I am doing something and hold on a minute.

If your tone matches you mood or feelings, then it is important to talk about them. If the tone does not match, then own it but acknowledging/giving an apology and then moving on. In the example above my tone did match my feelings, however, it was my not turning toward their initial bid that lead them to bid more, which lead to my annoyance. So I need to own that I because I was distracted, I did not ask for a minute while I finished what I was doing. 

Remember that you are speaking to the person who you decided you love the most. The person you said you wanted to spend most if not all days with. The tone in your voice should reflect that. Tone of voice can often give clues to how you are feeling, unfortunately all that is heard is the tone, so your partner will then become defensive, because what is being assumed through that tone is criticism. Quickly you have entered into a conflict that is very processed oriented, meaning you are having conflict about how you have conflict.  The original tone of voice is the focus and the feeling or issue never gets mentioned and therefore never gets acknowledged or validated. The tone often shuts down the conversation before it can start and you do not get to those feelings or the understanding of where they came from.

I have come to believe through research that I have done on myself, that you can hear your tone.  I said this, because clients often say that they do not have a tone, and that is just how they talk. If you as the reader are really honest with yourself, then I know you either agree with me or very soon, you will start to be more aware of that tone. Research has shown that much of our communication is in the non verbal and tone of voice is a part of that non verbal communication and I would say that over time, left unchecked, that tone can become a non verbal way of being contemptuous. Contempt is one of the 4 Horsemen of The Apocalypse from Dr. John Gottman’s research and the number 1 predictor of divorce. So, tone of voice is REALLY important.

If you recognize a negative tone in your own voice and in your relationships, give these a try:

Be mindful of the tone of voice you and your partner use with one another when you communicate with one another. Try to also pay attention to how different tones of voices affect your moods and feelings.  Journal about what you have noticed. I also recommend creating a mediation practice which will help build your mindfulness capacity.

Calling back the tone and statement is a game changing tool. It does require you to step out of ego and own your tone, and when you start to dig deep you can start to really understand where it is coming from. If you heard it and thought it was harsh, then own it and acknowledge it, then either deal with the negative feelings by talking them through softly with your partner or recognize your are not actually upset, apologize for the tone and keep it moving. 

Being less distracted and more present in the moment requires doing away with those distractions. Make note of what distractions are getting in the way of being more mindful and patient in working through tones and not getting caught up in them. When you stay distracted with all the devices and work and kids and, and , and … you are not being mindful in your own behaviors, tone and reactions, and therefore allowing the negativity to rule the relationship. This is where change is needed and discomfort with likely come, push through it and see some pretty powerful shifts in the relationship. Shifts that will allow you to go deeper into your dreams and vulnerabilities and where trust and intimacy grows and JOY blossoms.

While what you say, of course, matters, how you say it truly does make a big difference.

Come learn more at my upcoming Couples Therapy and Breathwork Retreat.